Signs Your Band Will Never Win a Grammy

The list for September 2, 1997

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Chris’s Vacation Report from Italy
(#1 in a series)

Wonderful weather, beautiful women, great wine, great films
(I’m attending the Venice Film Festival). And what food!
These people cook pasta like they invented the stuff! Things would be
*perfect* if only I hadn’t stepped on my notebook computer and cracked the screen.

The Top 15 Signs Your Band
Will Never Win a Grammy

Since name “U2” is taken, manager suggests “USuck.”
Your esoteric blend of polka and speed metal was bad enough, but signing David Lee Roth was career suicide.
You weren’t even nominated for the “Most Likely to Never Win a Grammy” award.
Your particular category, “Sucky Bands That Sound Too Much Like Pearl Jam”, is terribly crowded again this year.
Your latest single, “Bugger the Guv’nor,” lacks the edge sought by today’s sophisticated Top40 listener.
Your barbershop quartet consists of Bobcat Goldthwait, Gilbert Gottfried, Pee Wee Herman, and Fran Drescher.
Even Vanilla Ice won’t talk to you at big pre-Grammy bash.
When you get out of detox you realize you inadvertently sent your last remaining demo to your Granny.
Band name? The Susan Lucci’s.
Jerry’s gone and the rest of the guys can’t find their car keys, let alone D-Minor.
You’re still 1 chord short of the magic “3.”
Your last album had more warning stickers on it than a carton of Olestra cigarettes.
Your audiences tend to light torches instead of matches.
You refuse to let your art be corrupted by the music industry — and besides, you can’t record ’til you agree on a name, and even then, your folks won’t let you tour.

And the Number 1 Sign Your Band Will Never Win a Grammy…

“Mmmbop”? Mmmnope.

CREDITS

Selected from 121 submissions from 45 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 1 (12th #1)
Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 2
Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA — 2 (Rookie!)
Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA — 3
Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY — 4, 6
Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 5
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL — 7
Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL — 7 (Rookie!)
Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 8
Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada — 9 >
Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 11
Don Swain, Lincoln, DE — 12 (Rookie!)
Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 13
Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI — 14
Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 14
Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI — 15
Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 16
Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — Topic
Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — Banner Tag
Zager & Evans, whereabouts unknown — Ambience

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