Signs You Won’t Win an Oscar

The list for March 24, 1997

The Top 16 Signs You Won’t Win an Oscar

Your movie is a documentary, titled, “Washed Up Lame-O’s: The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.”
Nudity? Yes! Estelle Geddy? Yes!
Your movie features any of the following: a monkey in children’s clothing, an annoyingly cute child actor, or Sinbad.
In retrospect, maybe casting Jean Claude Van Damme as Thomas Jefferson really *was* a bad idea.
Your movie’s title: “Dennis Rodman’s Private Parts.”
Your name rhymes with “Piano Weaves” or “Wally Store.”
The last time you and the Academy president, Jack Valente, went out crusing for babes, you forgot yourself and made fun of his cheeks.
The title “Oral-Lovin’ Amateurs” somehow lacks that “epic” feel the academy loves.
Your name is Tori and daddy said you’re not getting one until you’re thirty.
Your personal psychic predicts the only Oscar she sees in your future is on a hot dog bun.
With the liberal establishment controlling Hollywood, your Documentary, “McVeigh: Modern American Patriot” never had a chance.
The NY Times review of your film contained the words, “putrid,” “stench,” and “bile.”
Armani, Lagerfeld, and Dior were one thing, but even Kathie Lee claims to be “fresh out” of dresses for awards night.
The only Oscar party you’re invited to is at 360 N. Rockingham.
Although dramatic, flying cows are traditionally overlooked.

And the Number 1 Sign You Won’t Win an Oscar…

CREDITS

Selected from 139 submissions from 49 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5032497