The list for November 20, 1997
The Top 16 Signs You Should Quit Smoking
- You keep losing lit butts down the hole in your windpipe.
- That lung in your lap after your last coughing fit.
- Your name is between “Southeast Asia” and “Europe” on the 1997 Phillip Morris shareholders’ report.
- Counting Camel Points, you’re now worth more than Bill Gates.
- You spend more time standing outside of your office building than the landscaper does.
- No ashtray option on that monogrammed iron lung you wanted to buy with your Marlboro Points, anyway.
- You’re no doctor, but “cancer of the cancer” doesn’t sound like good news.
- Elbow-length nicotine stains now function as gloves for your evening gown.
- You’re a neo-left-wing NEA-funded performance artist in the Mapplethorpe tradition, but you wish everyone would get off of Jesse Helms’s back about this tobacco thing!
- 1977: Miss Teen Ohio. 1997: Runner-Up, Marge Schott Look-Alike Contest.
- You’ve convinced yourself that tobacco counts as a serving of vegetables.
- Motorized tie rack retrofitted with donor lungs mounted on your left arm.
- Before entering prison, the notion of trading your virginity for a pack of Camels would never have occurred to you.
- No takers for your new invention, the shower ashtray.
- Constantly bitching about the no-smoking policy in the neo-natal ICU.
And the Number 1 Sign You Should Quit Smoking…
- After you sneeze, your hankie looks like a Dalmatian.
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CREDITS
Selected from 157 submissions from 55 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 1 (14th #1)
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 2
- Paul Lara, Temple, TX — 3
- Don Swain, Pontiac, MI — 4, 11
- Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL — 5
- William Gray, San Jose, CA — 6
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 7
- Martell Stroup, Reno, NV — 8
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 9
- Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA — 10, 14
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 11
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 12
- Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA — 13
- Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA — 14
- Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI — 15
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 16
- Matt Siske, Dayton, OH — Banner Tag
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — Topic
- Boston, Boston, MA — Ambience
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