The list for April 9, 1997
The Top 15 Signs You Got Some Bad Berries
- An ABC news van follows you home from the farmer’s market.
- Your cult leader tells everyone to eat their shortcake, lie quietly and wait to “shed your containers.”
- Yes, you’re losing weight, but you’ve expelled nearly every organ you have.
- Served with a side order of undercooked shellfish.
- Bacteria so advanced that it has begun sending out starships to establish intergalactic colonies throughout your refrigerator.
- That noise in the fridge is them banging their cups against the little plastic basket.
- State health workers show up at your door with a needle the size of Howard Stern’s ego.
- After eating them, watching Dennis Rodman’s new movie actually *relieves* your nausea.
- Ever since you had that fruit salad for lunch, you’ve started wondering if maybe OJ was innocent after all.
- The school cafeteria’s special of the week? Strawberry Squirt Cake.
- Your pre-teen kids suddenly have a keen interest in playing Pink Floyd records backwards.
- Label reads, “Ingredients: Bad berries, Hepatitis A, red dye #5.”
- Produce manager at the grocery store wearing a lead suit.
- While flatulence can be fun, *uncontrollable* flatulence is a nightmare.
And the Number 1 Sign You Got Some Bad Berries…
- You’ve been on the throne longer than Queen Elizabeth.
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CREDITS
Selected from 103 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 1 (8th #1)
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 2, 9
- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL — 3, 15
- Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI — 4
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 5
- Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX — 6
- Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA — 7
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 8
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 10
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 11, Topic
- Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK — 12
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 13
- Larry Baum, Hong Kong — 14
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