The list for October 22, 1997
The Top 15 Signs the Umpire Is Losing It
- After falling under Hanson’s spell, starts calling Mmmstrikes, Mmmballs and Mmmouts.
- Insists his name is Enrico Pallazzo.
- Takes foul tips off his forehead to prove his love for Jodie Foster.
- Throws Ken Griffey, Jr. out of the game for something Ken Griffey, Sr. did 20 years ago.
- Regularly accepts rides home from the ball park with Harry Caray.
- Guzzles Gatorade out of his protective cup.
- Swears he never got the memo about rollerblades.
- Orders stadium management to open the retractable roof, because “chicks dig convertibles.”
- Goes through multiple costume changes during “YMCA” in 7th inning stretch.
- Batters who go down swinging get a pineapple Jolly Rancher and a gentle pat on the head.
- Chest protector made from giant wheel of smoked Gouda.
- Uses a leaf blower to clean home plate.
- Shows up in a tube top, hot pants and platform shoes and demands to be referred to as “Umpy Spice.”
- Has begun to spit on his *own* face.
And the Number 1 Sign the Umpire Is Losing It…
- After putting on mask, asks each batter, “Have the lambs stopped crying, Clarise?”
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CREDITS
Selected from 104 submissions from 37 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA — 1, 5 (5th #1)
- Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA — 2
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 3
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 4, 9
- Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL — 6
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY — 7, 13
- Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN — 8
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 10
- Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL — 11
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY — 12
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 13
- Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT — 14
- Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI — 15
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — Banner Tag
- Betsy Edgerton, Marysville, WA — Topic
- Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/editor
- The Outfield, whereabouts unimportant — Ambience
T5102297
