The list for May 21, 1996
The Top 15 Signs School Is Out
- Ratings for Ricki Lake reach all-time high.
- It’s past noon and STILL no sight of the school bus.
- Tuba sales plummetting.
- Flashers relocate from schoolyards to playgrounds.
- Gang violence back on the streets where it belongs.
- Metal detectors from school entrance to mall entrance.
- X-rated theaters packed with restless crossing guards.
- Massive layoffs again in the Number 2 Pencil industry.
- Increase in FULLHOUSE-LIST messages from teenyboppers who obviously don’t understand Bob Saget’s comic genius!
- Refuses stunt double for steamy love scene with Brad Pitt — Oops, that’s a sign that Keanu Reeves is “out”!
- Every morning when you go out to check your bear traps, you gotta release a half-dozen kids.
- Clown-head voice is two octaves higher when blaring “Uh, you want fries with that?”
- You keep bumping into Woody Allen and his sweetie.
- All the best kickball players joining professional teams.
And the Number 1 Sign School Is Out…
- Normally dormant Alice Cooper heads for Vegas again with that new royalty check.
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CREDITS
Selected from among 59 submissions by 25 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Matt Alford, Salem, Oregon — 1
- Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC — 2
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 3
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 4, 15 (Hall of Famer)
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 5 (Hall of Famer)
- Alkes Price, Philadelphia, PA — 6
- Dave George, Arlington, VA — 7
- Larry Baum, La Jolla, CA — 8
- Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA — 9
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 10
- Tom Louderback, Breckenridge, CO — 10
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA — 11
- Caroline Gennity, Queens, NY — 12
- Kim Moser, New York, NY — 13
- David Hyatt, New York, NY — 14
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 15, Topic (Hall of Famer)
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