The list for June 5, 1996
The Top 17 Signs NASA Has Hired a Bad Astronaut
- SOMEBODY drew that mustache on the picture of Chuck Yeager.
- Keeps asking, “So when do we get to perform the alien autopsies?”
- Returns from space walk with bloody gloves.
- Constantly fighting for armrest in flight simulator.
- Had spacesuit fitted for zero-gravity bong.
- Flies shuttle under the Golden Gate Bridge on dare from his Top Gun buddies.
- Giggles uncontrollably at the mere mention of Uranus.
- Excitedly radios in reports of life on planet surface while still sitting on launch pad.
- Complains that no matter what buttons he pushes, “that damn stewardess never comes.”
- Insists on bringing the MTV flag on missions.
- On space walk, writes name in yellow across Antarctica.
- Responds to every question with, “Hey, I’m no rocket scientist.”
- Performs “full-moon” maneuver on end of Hubble telescope.
- Instead of laughing in the face of danger, merely titters at it.
- Won’t. Stop. Doing. Captain. Kirk. Impers. Onation.
- Only reply to Houston’s frantic calls are “Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!” and manic laughter.
And the Number 1 Sign NASA Has Hired a Bad Astronaut…
- His stated mission: “Get some Martian tail.”
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CREDITS
Selected from 138 submissions by 44 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY — 1, 6
- Lev Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 2, 12
- Mark Cukier, Toronto, Canada — 3
- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL — 4
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 5 (Hall of Famer)
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 5 (Hall of Famer)
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — 5
- JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA — 5, 8
- Matt Alford, Salem, OR — 5
- Tim Wade, Reno, NV — 7
- Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA — 7
- Kenneth Woo, Encinitas, CA — 9 (Hall of Famer)
- Dave George, Arlington, VA — 10, Topic
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 11, 15 (Hall of Famer)
- Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC — 11
- Sam Maranto, Baltimore, MD — 11
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 13
- Caroline Gennity, Queens, NY — 14
- Greg Sherwin, San Francisco, CA — 16
- Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY — 17
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