Signs It’s Time to Flee Your Country

The list for May 23, 1997

The Top 16 Signs It’s Time
to Flee Your Country

For your birthday, everyone gets you the same present: a monogrammed blindfold and a cigarette.
Al Cowlings pulls up in your Bronco with your passport and fake beard.
Posted Holiday Inn rates in capital city: One night $49.00, two nights $98.00, from now until the Right Hand of Death rains fire and destruction on this hellhole of apathy and deceit and ends your pathetic life in the bloodiest of co
The new flag? Your face with a big red slash across it.
After the bullet grazes your forehead, you realize this “Banana Republic photo shoot” is not what you expected.
Life insurance company informs you that “death by firing squad” and “mob lynching” now fall under their Act of God exclusions.
International press starts saying “brutal dictator” like it’s a bad thing.
You see the writing on the wall. In fact, it’s on every wall in the capital.
The Palace Guards’ new salute employs only one finger.
That flaming tire hanging from your neck is starting to chafe.
National Deficit: 24 billion.
Wife’s shoe bill: 24 billion.
Two words: President Limbaugh.
The guy who tastes your food has hired a guy to taste his food.
In recent election: 3 votes for you to remain in power; 21,459,216 votes to cover your remains with ox manure.
Your only hope for victory? The French Army.

And the Number 1 Sign It’s Time to Flee Your Country…

Simply can’t rely on that goober husband of yours to come through with a presidential pardon.

CREDITS

Selected from 127 submissions from 47 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5052397