The list for September 8, 1998
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Hall of Famer contributor Bruce Ansley took precious time away
from witnessing the Pittsburgh Steelers spoil the opening of
the Baltimore Ravens new stadium to compile today’s list.
from witnessing the Pittsburgh Steelers spoil the opening of
the Baltimore Ravens new stadium to compile today’s list.
The Top 12 Signs Football Season Is Starting
- The "Jerry Springer" show is no longer the only place to watch large asses crammed into tight shiny pants.
- Ross Perot warns Americans about a "giant sucking sound" coming from the Louisiana Superdome.
- Groundhog emerges, sees shadow, gets drunk, and sexually assaults a passing gopher.
- Mike Ditka’s blood pressure can now be measured from Hubble Telescope using a simple infrared filter.
- Al Michaels is seen beating his head against a tree stump to prepare for yet another mind-numbing season in the broadcast booth with Dan Dierdorf.
- Foreplay now involves dressing provocatively as Arrowhead Stadium.
- Word is out in Dallas: Even one snotty little Cowboy joke on the Top5 List and Chris White’s ass is grass.
- Fist fights have moved from the Beanie Baby aisle to the Creatine aisle.
- National supply of "C" batteries depleted as "football widows" stock up for the season.
- Ass-pattings up an astonishing 119%.
- John Madden throws out the ceremonial first wildly cartoonish hyperbole and gesticulation.
And the Number 1 Sign Football Season Is Starting…
- It’s okay to say the word "Packer" again within a group of guys.
.
CREDITS
Selected from 87 submissions from 36 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 1 (11th #1 / Hall of Famer)
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA — 2
- Peter Rogers, Boston, MA — 3
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 3, 9
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 4
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 4 (Hall of Famer)
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 5 (Hall of Famer)
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 6
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 7
- Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 8
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 10 (Hall of Famer)
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 11 (Hall of Famer) Hall of Famer
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 12
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — Topic
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — Banner Tag
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ — Runner Up List Name
- Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/editor
- The Years, Houston, TX — Ambience
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