The list for June 6, 1997
The Top 15 Signs An Athlete
is Using a Banned Substance
is Using a Banned Substance
- Gets “psyched” before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he’s on the chess team.
- Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
- Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year’s French Open.
- Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 *and* the Preakness.
- Swimmer’s refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in the 100 meter freestyle.
- His red and yellow jersey reads, “Track Cartel de Colombia.”
- Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling from arm.
- Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands.
- Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
- Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
- Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
- According to the urine test, he’s six-week’s pregnant.
- Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just “walk it off.”
- Has switched her shower song from “I Feel Pretty” to “Old Man River.”
And the Number 1 Sign An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance…
- Forget Nike and Reebok — he’s got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
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CREDITS
Selected from 121 submissions from 43 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Larry Baum, Hong Kong — 1 (1st #1!)
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 2
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 3
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 4
- Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI — 5
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 6
- Greg Pettit, Houston, TX — 7
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 8
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 9
- Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA — 10
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 11, Topic
- Patrick Douglas Crispen, Univ of Alabama — 12
- Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 12
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 13
- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL — 14
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 15
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