Results of Having a Celebrity as President of the United States

The list for July 27, 1998
The Top 16 Results of Having a Celebrity
as President of the United States

  1. Under President Fleiss’s Executive Order No. 107, registered voters can screw any member of Congress for just $150.

  2. Under President Pee Wee, “pocket veto” takes on an entirely new meaning.

  3. President Ringo and Yasar Arafat switch places at the Middle East Peace Summit, and no one notices.

  4. President Carrey’s State of the Union address given by a talking ass. (Oops! That’s no difference!)

  5. President Woody Harrelson’s agricultural support policies produce a side benefit of increased sales of Pink Floyd albums and Mallomars.

  6. For some reason, Ken Starr doesn’t seem to mind that President Locklear is sleeping with half the town.

  7. Mariah Carey’s Stealth Voice Initiative puts more defense contractors out of work.

  8. President Jordan honors all the children in Nike’s Asian shoe factories as “Honorary United States Welfare Recipients.”

  9. President Copperfield solves three foreign relations nightmares at once by making the West Bank, Northern Ireland and the former Yugoslavia disappear into thin air.

  10. In addition to his regular duties, President Marv Albert also doubles as the First Lady.

  11. Even the sound of bubble gum popping causes the Secret Service to cover President Pam Anderson Lee with their bodies.

  12. Queen Elizabeth wakes up to find President Robert Downey, Jr. crashed out on the Royal Couch.

  13. President Travolta merges Scientology’s Legal Department with the IRS to create the most evil malevolent force the universe has ever known.

  14. Although President Puff Daddy’s acceptance speech is taken entirely from parts of previous acceptance speeches, people inexplicably seem to like it.

  15. Only minor changes under President Gomez Addams, but a *whole* lot of fun whenever the French Ambassador’s wife speaks.
And the Number 1 Result of Having a Celebrity as President…

  1. Come to think of it, you don’t remember an “Anti-” in President Sheen’s drug program.
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CREDITS
Selected from 85 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA — 1, 11 (3rd #1)
  • Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia — 2
  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 3
  • Matt Chaput, Calgary, Alberta, Canada — 4
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL — 5
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 5
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 6 (Hall of Famer)
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 7, Banner Tag
  • Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 8
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 9, 16
  • Paul Paternoster, Los Altos Hills, CA — 10, 13 (Hall of Famer)
  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 12
  • Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX — 13
  • Martell Stroup, Boston, MA — 14
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 15 (Hall of Famer)
  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — Runner Up List Name
  • Marvin L. Newman, Cle Elum, WA — Topic
  • Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/editor
  • The Presidents of the United States of America — Ambience
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