Rejected Mother’s Day Cards (Part I)

The list for May 11, 1998
The Top 15 Rejected Mother’s Day Cards
(Part I)

  1. I love you when you’re happy.
    I love you when you’re sad.
    I love you though you told me,
    The milkman is my dad.

  2. Roses are red, my childhood was blue.
    Get out of my basement — Your rent is past due.

  3. The cards in the store were just too full of sex,
    But I thought, "What the hell." Love, Oedipus Rex

  4. There once was a woman named Mother,
    Who always did favor my brother.
    But now that he’s dead,
    Mother senses with dread
    That *her* nursing home’s worse than the others.

  5. You stood up to my father’s kin,
    Their many threats of extortion.
    Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,
    Instead of an abortion.

  6. Dear Mom, in your Mother’s Day card,
    Is a question that you may find hard:
    If Dad went astray,
    If he left, as you say,
    Who’s that buried in the back yard?

  7. Mom you’re so great, Mom you’re so cool.
    Please don’t send me, to an Arkansas school.

  8. I know my Mom’s a test tube.
    I’m a sheep, not an ignorant rube.
    No real Mom could be better,
    She’d just wind up a sweater,
    Adorning some debutante’s boobs.

  9. When I was born, you became a mom,
    And gave me lots of joy and lovin’.
    But now, I need to come back home —
    I’ve got my own bun in the oven.

  10. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:
    Congrats to you, my almost-Mom, you’ve nearly won the war…
    Unlike all the other tramps Dad picks up in the bar!

  11. I’m going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,
    for some changes of which you’ll learn.
    You always wanted a little girl —
    Well, you’ll have one when I return.

  12. Your girlish figure disappears,
    With each bite that you chew.
    You now look worse in lingerie,
    Than dear old Uncle Lou.

  13. You’ve lovingly looked after me
    Since I was just a baby,
    So now I don’t resent the fact
    That both my moms are ladies.

  14. I think of you, dear Mother,
    As I’m in my cell, alone,
    And miss the way you always made
    Our crack house a crack home.
And the Number 1 Rejected Mother’s Day Card…

  1. You probably won’t even listen,
    You may still think, "How *could* he?"
    But no card’s as heartfelt as this ‘un.
    Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody.
.
CREDITS
Selected from 86 submissions from 32 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 1, RU List Name (8th #1)
  • Martell Stroup, Boston, MA — 2
  • William Gray, Mountain View, CA — 3
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 4
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 5
  • Michelle Burke, San Francisco, CA — 6, 11
  • John Treusch, Burlington, NJ — 7
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 8
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 9
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 10
  • Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY — 12
  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 13
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL — 14
  • Don Swain, Pontiac, MI — 14
  • Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN — 15
  • Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — Banner Tag
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — Topic
  • Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/moderator
  • Queen, London, England — Ambience
T5051198

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