The list for July 7, 1997
The Top 16 Reasons You Didn’t Win Wimbledon
- Never recovered emotionally after the queen mother goosed you.
- Forgot your hormone injections in your other purse.
- Besides your score, only thing with that many zeros is Bud Collins’ bar tab.
- Given your lactose intolerance, carbo-loading on strawberries and cream was not such a good idea.
- Couldn’t quite get close enough to employ your “Tyson strategy.”
- Although you paid $24,000 for it, you couldn’t help tripping on the dress Princess Diana wore when she met the Dalai Lama.
- Even the guy who announces, “Quiet Please,” couldn’t contain his laughter after watching you serve.
- Racket strung not with not “cat gut,” but with entire cat.
- Ball boys secretly replaced with soccer hooligans.
- Pounding shooters at the local pub wasn’t what your coach meant when he said you needed to “practice your slam.”
- Too busy reassuring your new wife that she is, in fact, “Must See TV” and not a no-talent has-been.
- Your best game on grass? Scrounging change out of the couch before the pizza guy arrives.
- Distracted by Prince Charles-led Wave reflecting off Agassi’s head.
- New endorsement deal with Glenlivet required you to cradle a tumbler of scotch throughout the match.
- The only time you’ve ever served an Ace was when you slapped a restraining order on Kiss.
And the Number 1 Reason You Didn’t Win Wimbledon…
- British just too stuffy to accept your modern “Butt-Cheek Racquet Grip.”
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CREDITS
Selected from 120 submissions from 44 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA — 1 (1st #1) (Rookie!)
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 2, 7
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 3
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 4
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 4
- Duncan Haberly, Moscow, Russia — 5 (Rookie!)
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 6
- Martell Stroup, Reno, NV — 8
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA — 9
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 10
- Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL — 11
- Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI — 12
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 13
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 14
- Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada — 15
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 16
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — Topic
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — Banner tag
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