The list for June 11, 1996
The Top 17 Reasons To Get a New Car
- Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
- Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.
- Stench from bodies in trunk becoming unbearable.
- You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
- 15 Minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car 3 days.
- Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take “The Club.”
- When you gas up, the attendant asks “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
- While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
- Instead of leaking oil, it’s leaking blood.
- You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin help desk.
- For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom vroom” noises while sitting in the driveway.
- Keep losing dates on left turns.
- Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
- Now barely fits 43 instead of the usual 50 clowns.
- Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
- Hasn’t been the same since Hugh Grant borrowed it.
And the Number 1 Reason To Get a New Car…
- Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.
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CREDITS
Selected from 78 submissions by 26 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 1 (Rookie!)
- Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 2, 4 (Rookie!)
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 3 (Hall of Famer)
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 5 (Hall of Famer)
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 6, Topic
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 7
- Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 8 (Hall of Famer)
- Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA — 9
- Dave George, Arlington, VA — 10
- Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY — 11
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 12
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 13 (Hall of Famer)
- Jim Louderback, New York, NY — 14 (Hall of Famer)
- Caroline Gennity, Route 66 — 15
- Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA — 16
- Sam Maranto, Baltimore, MD — 17
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — Topic
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