Reasons to Choke Your Basketball Coach

The list for December 8, 1997
The Top 16 Reasons to Choke
Your Basketball Coach

  1. Understandable confusion between high post maneuver and Heimlich maneuver.

  2. Consistently refuses to recognize the comedic genius of Urkel.

  3. His ardent rejection of your Popperian-like advocacy of refutability as a criterion for hypothesis acceptability in favor of a Kripkean indeterminacy.

  4. He won’t stop laughing at your gigantic baggy shorts.

  5. Discovered you’re the only one who gets regular post-loss spankings in his office.

  6. Mysterious voice in your head said, “Just Do It!”

  7. Just wanted him to see how it feels to be a Sonic or a Knick.

  8. Coach’s new team rule: miss a shot, remove an item of clothing.

  9. You’ve weighed your options carefully — chillin’ out vs. losing a gazillion dollars and your career. What’s a guy to do?

  10. Just gettin’ in some practice for your next job as an au pair.

  11. Vicious rumor credits Coach with the making of the new ‘Alien’ sequel.

  12. “Call me *Meadowlark* just ONE MORE TIME…!!!”

  13. Asks if the hairdresser you and Rodman use prefers to be called “Mr. Ray” or “Mr. Charles.”

  14. Thought he was a kid asking for an autograph.

  15. He keeps referring to you as “Xena: Golden State Princess Warrior.”
And the Number 1 Reason to Choke Your Basketball Coach…

  1. “The Strangler!? What the hell kinda candy-ass nickname is that?”
.
CREDITS
Selected from 133 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Martell Stroup, Reno, NV — 1 (3rd #1)
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 2
  • Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 3
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 3
  • Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA — 4
  • Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA — 5
  • Don Swain, Pontiac, MI — 6
  • William Gray, San Jose, CA — 7
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 7
  • Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA — 8
  • Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA — 9
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 10, 13
  • Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY — 10
  • Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY — 11
  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 12
  • Randy Wohl, Ma’ale Adumim, Israel — 14
  • R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA — 15
  • Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 16
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — Topic
  • Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — Banner Tag
  • Cheech & Chong, Los Angeles, CA — Ambience
T5120897

Previous post:

Next post: