Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

The list for July 24, 1996

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.
Fetch command not available on all platforms.
Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

And the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don’t Use Computers…

CREDITS

Selected from 140 submissions from 47 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

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