The list for October 8, 1996
The Top 14 Punishments for Spitting on an Umpire
- Three words: Cubs season tickets
- Five bucks and a really nasty Wedgie.
- Have to wear special uniform with horizontal stripes which make your butt look *huge*!
- You get to clean the stadium on “Chewing Tobacco Night.”
- Next season: Small packet of spit stapled to your trading cards.
- Must carry Pete Rose’s betting slips down to OTB for a month.
- Dinner and a movie with Albert Belle.
- A quick spanking followed by a lecture and a trip to Dairy Queen (Only applies to Little League umpires).
- Your strike zone will now be twice the size of Tommy Lasorda’s ass.
- Forced to stand in front of Harry Carray as he spews about the “Powerful Pittsburgh Pirates’ Playoff Potential.”
- Your new chauffeur? Kelsey Grammer.
- Immediate booking on Ricki Lake’s “I Spit On Him But I Want Him Back” episode.
- In baseball: 5-game suspension.
In hockey: Player of the Week honors.
And the Number 1 Punishment for Spitting on an Umpire…
- Player is forced to “get to third base” with Marge Schott.
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CREDITS
Selected from 104 submissions by 31 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 1 (2nd #1)
- George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO — 2
- Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — 2
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 3
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 4
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 5, 14
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 6
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 7, 12
- David Hyatt, New York, NY — 8
- Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY — 9
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 10
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY — 11
- Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 13
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — Topic
- Chris White, NY, NY — Listmeister
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