Pet Peeves of James Bond

The list for January 14, 1998
The Top 50 Pet Peeves of James Bond

  1. Jokester arch-villains who serve martini in dribble glass.

  2. Never allowed to reveal garter belt worn under his tux.

  3. Sex kittens no longer turned on by your carpet of back hair. [Sean Connery only]

  4. Gigapet keeps going off at inappropriate times, if you know what I mean.

  5. Mixing up the Charmin with Q’s SuperGlue toilet paper.

  6. “License to Kill” unfortunately does not apply to irritating film critics.

  7. Never meets women with regular names like Lisa or Susan.

  8. Q’s new rectal thermometer tracking device and “flame-thrower zipper” make for some very awkward moments.

  9. Oh sure, License to Kill, but what about torture? Nooooooo.

  10. Oddjob’s hat can cut through solid steel, but the Ginsu knives he ordered just plain suck.

  11. Company car: Babe magnet BMW with rockets and ejection seat. Personal car: Cop magnet Geo Metro with broken tail light and noisy air conditioner.

  12. Annual prostate exams by “Goldfinger.”

  13. Due to the conversion to Euro-currency, Octopussy has been devalued to Septopussy.

  14. Two minutes alone with the old guy and you’ll know why they call him “Q”.

  15. Severe budget cuts have forced Q to buy all his gadgets from Sharper Image.

  16. Accidentally decapitating gorgeous double agents with a laser while removing his Rolex.

  17. Diabolical villains who just empty the revolver into his head instead of showing him the whole operation first.

  18. Colostomy bag not really bullet proof.

  19. His ultra high-speed computer-activated cruise missile wrist watch runs on Windows CE.

  20. Richard Simmons keeps sending “For Your Eyes Only” exercise videos.

  21. New watch holds only twelve rounds in a clip.

  22. Annual 5-hour wait in line at Her Majesty’s DMV to renew license To kill.

  23. Can’t seem to stop giggling when he says “Octopussy.”

  24. The pen that squirts K-Y Jelly always malfunctions at the wrong time.

  25. Women who don’t conveniently die after he’s made love to them.

  26. Damned stirred martinis at Hooters.

  27. That damn CondomPhone rings at the most inappropriate moments.

  28. Can’t get any Top 5 List contributor chicks to put out.

  29. Can’t get any Top 5 List contributor dudes to put out.

  30. Passed over on promotion to 006 for thirty years in a row.

  31. After four martinis, can’t tell the difference between Moneypenny and Penny Hardaway.

  32. Keeps undressing female spies only to find Marv Albert in drag.

  33. “License to Kill” no longer impresses residents of Louisiana.

  34. New Bond girl “Intelligence Personified” just doesn’t have the cachet of “Pussy Galore.”

  35. Tomorrow Never Dies, and neither does this blasted cold sore.

  36. Despite being knighted by the Queen, still can’t get a date with Baby Spice.

  37. Getting harder and harder to use his nuclear-powered-heat-seeking-homing-device-in-a-cigarette in California.

  38. Q’s latest gadget only locates your car keys.

  39. Just when you think you’ve finally found the right girl to settle down with, she tries to jam a pen into your throat.

  40. His car may be a computerized, kick-ass arsenal, but try putting a Super Big Gulp in the cup holder.

  41. Morons at Jiffy Lube always pouring windshield washer fluid in the Napalm tank.

  42. Embarrassing to have girlfriend’s name paged when separated at WalMart.

  43. If his neighbor pulls that “Finkelbaum. Morris Finkelbaum” crap one more time, he’s getting an ice pick in the forehead.

  44. New Bond girl, RuPaul, always kicking his ass at arm wrestling.

  45. Studio budget cutbacks have him at the wheel of a souped-up 1976 Gremlin with new Bond girl, Bea Arthur.

  46. Post-Cold War villains? The evil Dr. Hemorrhoid and the Tucks Twins.

  47. Always looks like a ninny in Sean Connery’s big-ass shoes.

  48. Wet spot in bed usually contains bullet hole.

  49. Picture on “License to Kill” looks terrible.
And the Number 1 Pet Peeve of James Bond…

  1. Increasing competition for beautiful women spies from American agent Double-Chin-Bubba.
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CREDITS
Selected from 152 submissions from 54 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • William Gray, San Jose, CA — 1 (1st #1!)
  • Dan Signer, Studio City, CA — 2, 41
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 3
  • Don Swain, Pontiac, MI — 4
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 5, 24
  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 6, 8, 29
  • Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 6, 18
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 7, 13, 17
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — 7
  • John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 9, 10
  • Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 11
  • R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA — 12, 21, 43
  • Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 14
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 15, 27
  • Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 16, 29
  • Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN — 16
  • Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA — 19, 50
  • Fred Hesby, Portland, OR — 20
  • Jackie Gavron, New York, NY — 22
  • Jennifer Markes, West Hollywood, CA — 23, 47
  • Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 25
  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 26
  • Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — 28
  • Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY — 30
  • Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 31, 39
  • Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 32
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 32
  • Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA — 33
  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 34
  • Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA — 35, Topic
  • Tom Louderback, Boston, MA — 36
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 37
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 38
  • Barry T. Smith, Boulder Creek, CA — 40, 43
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 42
  • Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI — 44
  • Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA — 45
  • Larry Baum, Hong Kong — 46
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC — 48
  • Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC — 49
  • Gary Smith, Florissant, CO — Banner Tag
  • Was Not Was, Detroit, MI — Ambience
T5011498

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