The list for May 30, 1996
The Top 14 Omissions from the Bill of Rights
- The right to be like Mike.
- Women, minorities, the poor… Oops, those are *PEOPLE* omitted from The Bill of Rights.
- If your name is Geraldo, that free speech thing no longer applies.
- The right to park diagonally across three parking spaces if you own a really bitchin’ red sports car.
- The right to beat Kathie Lee Gifford WITH Cody.
- Congress shall make no law abridging the right to hole up with your drinking buddies in a shack stocked with automatic weapons, provided you’re just trying to have a good time.
- The right to wear purple stretch pants at K-Mart.
- The right to the same salary as a major league utility infielder.
- Freedom to tell other people how to raise their children.
- The right to airwaves free of the Bee Gees.
- The right to make fun of the French.
- The right to bear arms, kill thy ex-wife, cover thy ass, and get thyself acquitted at a lengthy public trial.
- The right to have young women brought to you by the Secret Service. Oh wait — that’s from the Rights of Bill.
And the Number 1 Omission from the Bill of Rights…
- The right to kite checks, declare yourself an independent nation to avoid prosecution, and come up with your own damn Bill of Rights!
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CREDITS
Selected from 68 submissions by 22 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Norman Kenney, San Diego, CA — 1
- Joshua Wachs, Cambridge, MA — 2
- Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA — 2
- Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA — 3 (Hall of Famer!)
- JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA — 4, 6
- Matt Alford, Salem, OR — 5
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA — 7, 11
- Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — 8
- Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA — 9
- Robyn Andrews, Greenville, SC — 10
- Jim Louderback, New York, NY — 12
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 13
- Alkes Price, Philadelphia, PA — 14
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