The list for January 14, 1998
The Top 16 New Year’s Resolutions
of Top 5 List Contributors
of Top 5 List Contributors
- Ruminate more, ponder less.
- No more “Bababooey” calls to Larry King.
- Do my very best not to offend any of those whiney thin-skinned minorities or fanatical, nut-case organizations. Especially militia buttheads and chicks.
- See a doctor about that sore.
- Fewer references to frozen tofu burritos.
- I promise to take household wiring more seriously.
- Out: monthly checks to that Nicaraguan orphan. In: an extra espresso every day.
- Stop “talking trash” during Letterman’s lists
- Substitute “Carrot Top” for “Pauly Shore” in all jokes concerning nausea.
- When placing my cookie order this year, order an extra box of Thin Mints.
- Fed Ex the bribe money to Chris White instead of faxing it.
- Sometime this year, get to at least #4 on a list.
- Strive to maintain high level of sexual activity. Consider adding the occasional partner.
- Buy more Beano stock.
- Elevate humor from infantile to sophomoric.
And the Number 1 New Year’s Resolution of Top 5 List contributors…
- Finish my time in the minors and get picked up by the Top 6 List.
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CREDITS
Selected from 121 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 1 (12th #1)
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 2
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 3
- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 4, 10
- Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA — 5, 16
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 6
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — 7, 8, 16
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 8
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA — 9
- Erich Voice, Chicago, IL — 11
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 12
- Ken Shinodo, Keizer, OR — 12
- Kim Moser, New York, NY — 12
- Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI — 13
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 14
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN — 14
- Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 15
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 16
- Kris Kettner, Fond du Lac, WI — Topic
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — Banner Tag
- John Lennon, whereabouts unknown — Ambience
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