The list for July 31, 1997
The Top 15 Least Effective Dating Tips
- Have state troopers extend the invitation for that all-important first date.
- Be sure to point out the "Blimp Effect" of those horizontal stripes she’s wearing.
- Ask, "You’re not allergic to latex, are you?"
- Don’t let her skip out by claiming to go to the bathroom — follow her.
- Before asking for the waitress’s phone number, borrow a buck from your date for a tip.
- On your first golf date, ask her if she’ll help you look for the real killers.
- If she still lives with her parents, give her dad your bail bondsman’s business card, "just in case."
- Ask politely if your date minds waiting in the car while you talk to your Parole Officer.
- If she’s a dog lover, skip the good-night kiss and just lick her face.
- Nothing says "I like you" like a big hunk of headcheese.
- Ask the waiter for a table in the "PMS Section."
- Properly stimulated, the inner lip of the nostril, or the "Labia Nostrum", is a highly erogenous zone.
- Red wine for dumpster meals, white for road kill.
- "How do I love thee? Let me belch the ways."
And the Number 1 Least Effective Dating Tip…
- Never try to impress your date with snot sculptures unless you have enough mucous to finish.
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CREDITS
Selected from 118 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 1, 3 (10th #1)
- Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN — 2
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 4
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 5, 11, 14 (Hat trick!)
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 6
- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 7
- Martell Stroup, Reno, NV — 8
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 9, Topic
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 10
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 12
- Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 13
- Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada — 15
- Patrick New, Chicago, IL — 15
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — 15
- LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA — Banner tag
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — Runner Up list name
- Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/editor
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