Items in the Tobacco Companies’ Deal

The list for June 16, 1997

The Top 15 Items in the
Tobacco Companies’ Deal

Camel cash catalog to include iron lung at 150,000 coupon level.
Sell super-cancerous $8 cigars to kill all those pretentious cigar-smoking snots.
No more advertising on billboards, but the tattoo area is wiiiiide open!!
Lucky Strike Psychic Friends Network will be permitted to predict that every caller will fail miserably in their attempt to quit smoking.
In final gala advertising event, Joe Camel to chew C. Everett Koop’s beard off on pay-per-view.
Tobacco companies agree to take Jesse Helms out of their back pocket.
Only sports to be sponsored by tobacco companies: Lung Tossing and Long Distance Phlegm Hacking.
All cigarette ads must carry picture of nude Ernest Borgnine and/or Bea Arthur.
Sexy people doing exciting things in ads replaced by people in Starfleet uniforms attending a Trek convention.
At RJ Reynolds corporate headquarters, every Tuesday is “Free Tracheotomy Day.”
Reduce nicotine, increase “moldy sardine” flavor.
Mandatory new brands: “Phlegm”, “Yellow Tooth”, “Loser Lights”, “Desperate Bid For Peer Approval 100s.”
CEOs of Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds entitled to occasional trident sharpenings and horn polishings.
Government agrees not to interfere with industry’s upcoming “Lung Disease is Cool” and “Bum a Smoke From Mickey” campaigns.

And the Number 1 Item in the Tobacco Companies’ Deal…

CREDITS

Selected from 82 submissions from 30 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

T5061697