Insincere Apologies

The list for January 2, 2013
The Top 18 Insincere Apologies

  1. "ExxonMobil is truly sorry about the high gas prices you have been paying. Hopefully, you’re a stockholder so you can share some of our record profits."

  2. "I am immensely sorry that the press decided to print these stories and cause my wife and children such distress."

  3. "I apologize for not allowing myself to sink to your level."

  4. "I’m sorry for whatever contrived slight you’re imagining, as long as I don’t have to be force-fed another leading line of questions that permit you to feel you are remotely justified in your offended-ness."

  5. "I deeply apologize for banging your wife. About 18 times."

  6. "Pardon my flatulence. My culture dictates that one should always try to make the atmosphere more pleasant when guests arrive."

  7. "Sorry about the face, man — probably just the bath salts talkin’ again!"

  8. "If I’ve somehow offended you, my euphoric rush of gleeful triumph is tempered ever-so-slightly by concern that perhaps you may have been an intellectually unworthy opponent."

  9. "I’m sorry you thought I was an ass, when in fact I was just being a douche."

  10. "I’m sorry I criticized you. The truth is I marvel at the unique grammatical liberties you take and abuse."

  11. "I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable by leaning in too close… I’m just irresistibly drawn to you. Whether it is from the vacuum between your ears or the extra gravitational pull of your enormous ass is a matter better left for scientists."

  12. "I apologize for writing ‘ugly’ on your customer receipt; I should have instead opted for ‘bangable after a few beers.’"

  13. "Hey, sometimes shitty things happen to shitty people."

  14. "Sorry I reached orgasm so quickly, but at least this way you can get a head start on calling yourself that cab home."

  15. "I’d like to say how sorry I am, but instead I’ll mention that over time, pets come to resemble their owners and your old dog has the most intelligent look as he stares at me while I utter words and concepts that he is, by nature, absolutely unable to comprehend nor appreciate."

  16. "Please forgive me for saying you look fat in that outfit. You look fat in everything."

  17. "I sincerely regret mixing up my contributions to the local food back and sperm back. But hey, protein!"
And the Number 1 Insincere Apology…

  1. "Gee, I’m sorry you’re so put off by my wheelchair, speech synthesizer, and tilted head. Next time why don’t YOU do the math to compute the amount of radiation emitted from black holes due to quantum effects at the event horizon."
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CREDITS
Selected from 77 submissions from 28 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Roy Skogstrom, Pepeekeo, HI — 1 (6th #1)
  • Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX — 2
  • Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 3
  • Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL — 4
  • Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA — 5, 12
  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 6
  • Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID — 7
  • Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — 8, 13, Topic
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 9
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 10
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 11
  • Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 14
  • Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA — 15
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 16
  • David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA — 17
  • Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY — 18
  • Donald Junter, New Haven, CT — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — List owner/editor
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