Indications Your Fiance Is About to Dump You

The list for October 16, 1996

The Top 17 Indications Your
Fiance Is About to Dump You

Now refers to you as “The Dipshit formerly known as Sweetie Pie.”
She starts spending long weekends with Jason Patric.
You ask him to pass the salt and he screams, “It’s always about *you* and *your* needs, isn’t it? YOU’RE SUFFOCATING ME!”
The Bridal Registry includes Jacoby and Meyers.
Insists that the wedding date be set *after* President Perot is inaugurated and that the invitations be written in pencil.
Well, *somebody* ratted you to the SPCA for your illegal ferret farm.
The look on her face when she catches you in her wedding gown lip-synching to ABBA songs.
Constant complaining that wedding date conflicts with Wrestlemania XIX.
Engagement ring now being used as nose ring.
Can’t bring herself to say “wedding” without throwing in “schmedding.”
Cosmo cover article, “Getting Rid of That Loser,” written by you-know-who.
Takes you to dinner in U-Haul, asks the band to play “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover,” then leaves to “get wallet.”
Despite his earlier promises, he *does* kick you out of bed for eating crackers.
When you ask her to sign the release forms to appear on The Newlywed Game, she says, “Not so fast, Chester!”
That ad he’s running to sell his old ski boots begins, “If you like pina coladas, and gettin’ caught in the rain…”
As a topic of conversation, your mother’s beard is no longer off-limits.

And the Number 1 Indication Your Fiance Is About to Dump You…

On her last conjugal visit, she was sporting a tattoo of somebody else’s bass boat.

CREDITS

Selected from 143 submissions by 44 contributors.

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