The list for June 11, 1998
The Top 17 Indications Your Country
Won’t Win the World Cup
Won’t Win the World Cup
- Instead of sending a team to France, out of habit you send in a division of Panzer tanks.
- Half of your team has been hospitalized for smoke inhalation after spending the weekend burning various world leaders in effigy.
- With a name like Leprosia, your country is not known for its sports teams.
- Other teams practice with $200 pro balls. Your team kicks around a swollen goat spleen.
- Actual resident population: 1 president, 7 generals, 12 political prisoners and 26,582 bottles of Cuervo Gold.
- Mighty hard to run in mukluks.
- The only sponsor who’s stayed with you this far is Mistress Matilda’s House of Humiliation.
- The only player on your team with a one-word name is Shorty, the goalie.
- Team policy forbids sex before games, but encourages sex between halves.
- Fancy footwork limited to the fox trot.
- Entire team misses game looking for that place in France where the ladies wear no pants.
- Brazil’s star player – Ronaldo. Your star player – Waldo.
- Banana Republic is better off financially than most countries, but try telling it to the those bastards at FIFA.
- Every time you field a good team, the government “ethnic cleanses” it again.
- Your nation’s “hooligans” would prefer to stay at home where they can shoot up school yards and lunch rooms.
- Team’s still trying to finish off the thoughtful “good-will” gift left by the Colombians.
And the Number 1 Indication Your Country Won’t Win the World Cup…
- Their best hope is their patented “Benny Hill Being Chased by Women” play.
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CREDITS
Selected from 100 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY — 1 (8th #1)
- M.J. Finan, Cleveland, OH — 2
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 3
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 4, 6, 14, Topic (Hat Trick!)
- Matt Chaput, Calgary, Alberta, Canada — 5
- Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA — 6
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA — 7
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 8
- JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA — 9
- Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX — 10
- John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY — 11
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 12
- Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY — 13
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 15
- John Treusch, Burlington, NJ — 16
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 17
- Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — RU List Name
- Robert Sullivan, Salem, OR — Banner Tag
- World Party, London, England — Ambience
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