Improvements to the Hubble Telescope

by | Feb 19, 1997 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

The list for February 19, 1997
The Top 16 Improvements
to the Hubble Telescope

  1. Special 1-hour lenses from Lenscrafters now allow it to see really, REALLY, *REALLY* far.

  2. SBTS (Shapely Buttocks Targeting System) enhances astronomers’ lonely evenings.

  3. New Super Big Gulp size cup holder and one of those little pine tree air fresheners.

  4. When pointed toward earth, it can… HEY, YOU!!! IN THE RED SHIRT! STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE!

  5. Bitchin’ speaker stacks that blast “We Will Rock You” when orbiting over Iraq.

  6. Special kaleidoscope attachment for when the acid kicks in.

  7. After 3 years and over $50 million of troubleshooting, they finally removed the lens cap.

  8. Warning on lens mirror now reads: “OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE LIGHT YEARS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.”

  9. Gigantic Louisville Slugger installed to protect earth against asteroids.

  10. “Toy Surprise” built into every new piece, for that day when they plummet to Earth.

  11. By focusing huge magnifying glass, scientists can burn ants with pinpoint accuracy.

  12. Much improved reception on the All-Alien-Sex channel.

  13. New enhancement lets you record one galaxy while watching another.

  14. Corrective lenses have giant mustache and fake nose attached for “Groucho” effect.

  15. The new guy in charge of focus and zoom? Larry Flynt.
And the Number 1 Improvement to the Hubble Telescope…

  1. “Gigantic Impending Earth-Destroying Asteroid” scraped off lens and put back in gum wrapper foil; Russians warned about further practical jokes.
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CREDITS
Selected from 127 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 1 (7th #1)
  • Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 2, 10
  • Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX — 3
  • Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL — 4, 6
  • Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI — 5
  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 6, 15
  • Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX — 6, 8
  • Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA — 6
  • R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA — 7
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — 8
  • Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA — 9
  • Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 9
  • George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO — 10
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 11
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL — 11
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 11
  • Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 12, 14
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — 13, Topic
  • Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA — 14
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 16
  • Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA — 16
T5021997