Hassles of Being a Cult Leader

The list for November 25, 1996

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

While regular editor Chris White is vacationing at Club Med Austin,
The Top Five List will be brought to you by a series of guest hosts.

Today’s editor is Kris Kettner, of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, who was
mercilessly kept awake until the wee hours of the morning due to a
“clerical error,” and who now has the resources to successfully
successfully blackmail the regular editor.

The Top 15 Hassles of Being a Cult Leader

Don’t get to pick who will play you in Movie of the Week after you’re dead.
Do you think there’s a “Self-Appointed Son of God” discount at the movies? Well I’ll tell you, pal, there’s not.
Between grappling with the mysteries of the universe, deflowering new child-brides, and dodging phone calls from Reno, you can’t keep track of your soaps!
Swastika on forehead makes getting good service at the deli a little dicey.
When the crowds disperse, the repeated chanting of your name is left behind and your mom calls to remind you that you’re really just an inconsiderate slob who can’t even remember the birthday of the woman who nurtured him in the womb
After you ‘let’ them live at your compound and give you all of their money, they expect to be fed, too!
Requests to FBI to play something “more danceable” on siege loudspeakers are constantly ignored.
Having to show ID after signing checks “The Messiah.”
Those annoying, cute teenage girls who don’t give a damn about your self-made religion but just want to sleep with you all the time.
That damned Kevorkian always gets to your followers before you can.
The FBI cuts the cable off during sieges.
Getting snubbed in the debates was bad enough, but when your own followers start to call you “a short, big-eared, maniacal crackpot,” it *really* pisses you off.
Marrying 31 wives and doing the math on the PMS schedule.
Finding able disciples who can recruit rich, attractive young women as well as today’s political operatives do.

And the Number 1 Hassle of Cult Leaders…

Keeping out of the news.

CREDITS

Selected from a lot of submissions by 37 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN — 1 (11th #1)
Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA — 2, Topic
David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 3
Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 4, 6
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 5
Kim Moser, New York, NY — 7
Greg Pettit, Houston, TX — 8
Matt Diamond, Holland, PA — 9
Vickie Neilson, Carlsbad, CA — 10
Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI — 11
Dave George, Arlington, VA — 12
Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA — 13
Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY — 14
Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI — 15
Paul Baker– Topic
Kris Kettner, Fond du Lac, WI– Guest Editor

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