Differences if the President Were a Monkey

The list for August 1, 1997
The Top 16 Differences if the
President Were a Monkey

  1. Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR’s early space program.

  2. National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President’s relatives with typewriters.

  3. Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!

  4. "Organ grinding" no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.

  5. First President in diapers since the Reagan years.

  6. Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.

  7. Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.

  8. N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, "Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!"

  9. Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current administration.

  10. New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.

  11. State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.

  12. President’s IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh’s.

  13. To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.

  14. "No, Ms. Embry, you can’t spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!"

  15. During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson’s toupee.
And the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey…

  1. On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means "yes", loud raspberry means "no."
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CREDITS
Selected from 124 submissions from 43 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA — 1 (2nd #1)
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 2
  • Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA — 3
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL — 4
  • John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 5
  • Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 6, 8, 11
  • Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA — 7
  • Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA — 9
  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 9
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA — 9
  • Martell Stroup, Reno, NV — 10
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 11
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 12
  • Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 13
  • David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — 13, 15
  • Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD — 14
  • Larry Baum, Hong Kong — 15
  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA — 16
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX — Topic
  • Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — Runner Up list name
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO — Runner Up list name
  • Justin Santangelo, somewhere out there — Banner tag
  • Peter Gabriel — Ambience
  • Chris White, New York, NY — List owner/editor
T5080197

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