The list for June 14, 1996
The Top 18 Changes Now That Marge Schott
Won’t Be Running the Cincinnati Reds
Won’t Be Running the Cincinnati Reds
- The seventh-inning goosestep? History!
- Team renamed to more politically correct “Cincinnati Communists.”
- Attendance on “KKK Day” way off.
- Arnold the pooper scooper guy given pink slip after 15 years of loyal service.
- Relief pitchers no longer required to rub her corns.
- Satan’s new favorite team: The Cubs.
- Fresh flowers now placed on Hitler’s grave daily instead of weekly.
- Dugout becomes decidedly more dangerous for large drooling dogs.
- Attendance by guys who dig ugly old racist chicks will plummet.
- Free water at all stadium fountains!
- Minority players get to sell the minivan and travel by plane like everyone else.
- Nickel beer and swastika night gone the way of Schottzie I.
- No more free box-seats for Pat Buchanan.
- Jimmy the Greek mural in locker room to be painted over.
- Marge now has ample time to manage new church-burning enterprise.
- The Reds lose an owner — the Freemen gain a spokesmodel!
- Clause stricken from Eric Davis’s contract stipulating that Schottzie gets to bite him in the ass whenever he makes an error.
And the Number 1 Change Now That Marge Schott Won’t Be Running the Cincinnati Reds…
- Furmann/Schott in 96!
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CREDITS
Selected from 105 submissions by 37 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 1
- Sam Maranto, Baltimore MD — 2
- Sterling Smith, Houston, TX — 3, 6
- Caroline Gennity, Queens, NY — 4, 10
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 4
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 5
- Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY — 7, 18
- Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC — 7
- Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA — 8
- David Sklar, New Haven, CT — 9
- Jim Louderback, New York, NY — 11 (Hall of Famer)
- Alkes Price, Philadelphia, PA — 12
- Mike Manion, Lexington, KY — 13
- Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA — 14
- John Hering, Alexandria, VA — 15 (Hall of Famer)
- Pete Brittingham, Titusville, NJ — 16
- Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA — 17
- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA — 18 (Rookie!)
- JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA — 18
- Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada — 18
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