The list for April 14, 1998
The Top 16 Changes in the New “Love Boat”
- Safe sex activists insist on mandatory condom-purchasing scene on before each couple pairs off on “The No Glove, No Love Boat.”
- Newly-divorced Kathie Lee beds a different man every week while humming, “If He Could See Me Now.”
- Captain Kennedy is too drunk to notice the ship’s course is from Boston to New York City and back 6 times a day.
- For some reason, every episode is 3 hours long and involves an iceberg.
- New crew member Weasel, the ship’s Sexual Harassment Officer, kind of kills the mood.
- “Day 47: Had to eat another passenger, but now we’ll have an even number for the shuffleboard tournament tomorrow.”
- Captain Clinton French kisses each woman passenger as they board.
- Hopes for a second season dashed when James Cameron signs on to direct 13th episode.
- Only Hanson could turn a merely annoying TV theme song into a teeth-grinding, hair-pulling, ear-bleeding experience.
- Wacky hijinks ensue when Purser George Michael forced to fill in for bathroom attendant.
- Ship’s Dr. Kevorkian drowns Pia Zadora in the pool, and throws Andy Griffith overboard.
- Isaac, the Bartender replaced by Phil, the Starbucks Guy.
- Goodbye, Dramamine. Hello, Viagra!
- At the end of every episode: “They killed Leonardo! You bastards!!”
- During a relapse, Julie forces Captain Stuebing to take the boat into Colombian waters.
And the Number 1 Change in the New “Love Boat”…
- Cost-cutting results in combined character, Captain Bartender Hazelwood.
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CREDITS
Selected from 135 submissions from 50 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC — 1 (8th #1)
- Tom Louderback, Boston, MA — 2
- Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL — 3
- Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA — 3, 7
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX — 4
- Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI — 5, Topic
- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA — 6
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 8
- John Treusch, Burlington, NJ — 9
- David Bryant, Columbia, MD — 10, 13
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 11
- Aaron Bloom, Boston, MA — 12 (Rookie!)
- Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA — 13
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 13
- Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA — 13
- Alan Wagner, Bayside, WI — 13
- R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA — 13
- Don Horton, Sacramento, CA — 14
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 15
- Gerard McDonald, New Haven, CT — 16
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 16
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA — 16
- David Kass, Brooklyn, NY — RU list name, Topic
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — Topic
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH — Topic
- Patrick Talbert, Chapel Hill, NC — Banner Tag
- The Maggies, Northampton, MA — Ambience
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