Signs Your Pet Is Your New Co-Worker

The list for March 18, 2020
Testing… 1… 2… is this thing on?

Hello, Interwebz! How the hell are ya?

In this time of the upcoming zombie apocalypse, the old
gang and I decided that what the world needs more than
anything is a bunch of smartasses writing smartass-y things.

In the immortal words of Bob Plant:
"Does anyone remember laughter?"

Apparently, there’s a virus of some sort making the rounds.
It’s a shame the media doesn’t cover this shit, y’know?
Anyway, with so many people working from home these days,
we have a new set of co-workers to deal with.

Signs Your Pet Is Your New Co-Worker

  1. He perks up whenever you mention that bitch in Accounting.

  2. Despite the pandemic, he still insists on shaking every time he sits.

  3. "As you can see by this chart, our projected revenue is going to reach record hig—-SQUIRREL!!!"

  4. Peter’s definitely good at making copies, just not of your presentation.

  5. Leg twitch means she’s dreaming of a high-stakes proxy fight to take down Zuckerberg.

  6. You have to meet with HR because Mr. Goldfish claims you’ve been flushing the toilet in an intimidating way.

  7. Those raisins Flopsy left in the break room are NOT a snack.

  8. When this one knocks stuff off your desk then sticks her butt in your face, it’s not an invitation to get freaky.

  9. Spike won’t shut up about the "gender-inspecific" fire hydrant he has to use.

  10. "Yeah, if you could come in Saturday and scoop the chunks out of my litter box, that’d be great."

  11. Not a single page has made it out of the printer unscathed.

  12. His performance review is just "Good Boy" and a checkmark.

  13. He’s late to work, fails to put out the Quarterly P&L Statement, then shits in your shoe.

  14. 400 consecutive Slack messages from Polly saying nothing but "Hello!"

  15. The PowerPoint presentation on your new 70" TV took a costly turn the second you broke out the laser pointer.

  16. The "Hang in There" poster in her cubicle is signed by her cousin.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Pet Is Your New Co-Worker…

  1. Stares at your leg with an erection during HR’s #MeToo presentation.
Selected from 120 submissions from 46 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Ross Brown, Seattle, WA — 1 (2nd #1)
  • Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 2, 14
  • R.M. Weiner, Boston, MA — 3
  • Larry Baum, Hong Kong — 4
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 5
  • Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA — 6
  • Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada — 6
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 7
  • Peg Warner, Gonic, NH — 8
  • Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA — 9
  • Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA — 10
  • Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL — 11
  • Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN — 11, 16
  • Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX — 12
  • Bob Van Voris, New York, NY — 13
  • Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — 15
  • Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA — 17
  • Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA — 17
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — List moderator, Banner Tag

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