Famous Battles in the War on Christmas

The list for December 4, 2013
In case you weren’t aware of it, there’s
a war going on yet again this holiday season:

The War on Christmas(TM)!

There have been reports of people nationwide
shelling their neighbors with round after
merciless round of “Happy Holidays!”
Where will this madness end???

The Top 15 Famous Battles
in the War on Christmas

  1. 2013: After listening to a clanging bell for 14 hours while waiting in line for a Black Friday sale, 59-year-old Marty Shopphauer snaps and murders a Salvation Army volunteer.

  2. 2006: Computer technician Todd Mason of Providence, RI, is fired for wearing a "mistletoe belt" to work.

  3. 1999: A patron of the Hoochie Coochie Strip Club in Lexington, KY, complains when the stripper poles are painted like candy canes.

  4. 2012: At the Mall of America, a flash mob of Christmas carolers meets a mob of angry shoppers sick of hearing Christmas carols. The ensuing battle is eventually broken up by the Minnesota National Guard, and the video goes viral.

  5. 2013: Edward Snowden leaks the contents of the naughty and nice book. Santa retaliates by leaving polonium-210 in his stocking.

  6. 1966: Instead of siccing his hounds on the carolers as usual, Cletus Hatfield of Slackjaw, MS, goes on the offensive by teaching them to bark "Little Drummer Boy."

  7. 1973: In Los Gatos, CA, Hank Simpson rearranges his neighbor’s tacky plastic reindeer and Santa in Kama Sutra positions.

  8. 2006: Springfield Community Church’s Outreach Choir is arrested when local law enforcement confuses its caroling with extremist Islamic ululating.

  9. 2013: Buddhists rampage a Walmart Christmas vacuum cleaner sale with fervent chants of "No attachments!"

  10. 4 BCE: A Palenstine syndicate purchases all of the available rooms in Bethlehem inns, in an attempt to stave off any potential "miracle" births there.

  11. 2010: The classic Santa Claus image is banned from schools after being determined to represent an unhealthy lifestyle.

  12. 1996: To avoid the possibility of negative connotations associated with the word "cane," the Bertrand Confectionery Company of Toledo begins manufacturing "Candy Devices for the Those With Mobility Issues."

  13. 2009: U-Cut Christmas Trees in Farmingdale, MA, has 1000 trees, 20 good ones, 35 customers with axes. You do the math.

  14. 1952: Entrepreneur Kemmons Wilson bows to public pressure and changes the name of his new motel chain from Christmas Inn to the more generic Holiday Inn.
And the Number 1 Famous Battle in the War on Christmas…

  1. 2001: The Grinch is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
Selected from 57 submissions from 21 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA — 1 (15th #1)
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 2
  • Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA — 3
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA — 4
  • David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA — 5
  • Mark Zinck, Grand Rapids, MI — 6
  • Roy Skogstrom, Pepeekeo, HI — 7
  • Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH — 8
  • Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC — 9, 10
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA — 11
  • Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY — 12
  • Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 13
  • Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA — 14
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ — 15
  • Donald Junter, New Haven, CT — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — List owner/editor

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