The list for October 23, 1996
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
- Grunge look makes it difficult to tell living from the undead.
- Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
- Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
- Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
- Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, “Look Ma! It’s Elvis!”
- After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
- After 100 years of trying, still can’t score with Elvira.
- No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
- With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
- No warm blood for miles around DC.
- Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
- No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
- Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized “hardbodies.”
- Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires…
- Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
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CREDITS
Selected from 144 submissions by 41 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO — 1, 5, 7 (6th #1)
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL — 2
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY — 3
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA — 4
- Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada — 4
- Greg Pettit, Houston, TX — 4
- Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI — 6, 13
- Tom Louderback, Breckenridge, CO — 7, 10
- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA — 8, 14
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 9
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC — 11
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 12
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC — 12
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA — 13
- Kim Moser, New York, NY — 13
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA — 14
- Don Horton, Sacramento, CA — 14
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA — 15
- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA — Topic
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