Signs You’re Having to Do Every Damn Thing Yourself Now

The list for April 7, 2020
Everyone having fun adjusting to life
without all the people you normally
count on to handle things for you?
The Top 16 Signs You’re Having to
Do Every Damn Thing Yourself Now

  1. Your "Chinese food" dinner? Boiled white rice with MSG.

  2. Due to lack of fast food options, you’re now forced to screw up your meal orders yourself.

  3. You just cant reach that kink in your back no matter how hard you try, but the Happy Endings are still on point.

  4. Four words: "Idiot’s Guide to Circumcision"

  5. You just invented the Mystery Mullet haircut: party in the front, who knows what the hell in the back.

  6. 400 rolls of duct tape; zero rolls of toilet paper.

  7. Your coke lines more resemble quarry debris than fine powder.

  8. The airbag on your neighbor’s riding mower doesn’t deploy upon collision.

  9. Your Navajo neighbor just named you "Struggles With Mops."

  10. That baloney sandwich just doesn’t taste as good without the daily affirmation on a Post-It note.

  11. Cats drink beer, right?

  12. Black &Decker really needs to consider a "Not intended for dental work!" label.

  13. One umbilical cord slip-up and your son is now your daughter.

  14. Congrats, Chef Kevin! You just invented blackened pancakes!

  15. The dust bunnies have taken over the guest room, Tribble-style.
And the Number 1 Sign You’re Having to Do Every Damn Thing Yourself Now…

  1. Your proctologist says your telemedicine appointment will begin as soon as you insert your phone.
Selected from 86 submissions from 29 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA — 1 (73rd #1)
  • Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA — 2
  • Mark Zinck, Grand Rapids, MI — 3
  • Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — 4
  • Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA — 5
  • Tisha Stacy, Romeoville, IL — 6
  • Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA — 7
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 8, 13
  • Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC — 9
  • David E. Spiro, Tucson, AZ — 10
  • Whit Watson, Winter Park, FL — 11
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — 12, List moderator
  • Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA — 14
  • Reid Kerr, Sugartit, KY — 15
  • Roy Skogstrom, Pepeekeo, HI — 16
  • Mark S., Sugar Land, TX — Topic

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