Signs Santa Claus Isn’t White

The list for December 18, 2013
There’s been a bit of a kerfuffle in
the news lately as to whether Santa Claus
(a fictitious character) is actually white.

Have no fear, HumorLabs is here
to settle this once and for all!

The Top 20 Signs Santa Claus Isn’t White

  1. He whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: "Now Dasher-san! Now Dancer-san!"

  2. Puts on whiteface to go trick-or-treating as George R.R. Martin.

  3. Constant use of the word "Ho."

  4. This year, every present comes with an egg roll and your choice of fried or steamed rice.

  5. He bowls worse than Obama.

  6. He’s on the US State Department’s "No Fly" list.

  7. All the presents he brought smell suspiciously of curry.

  8. When you play "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" backwards, it’s "La Bamba."

  9. On his iPod? Nothing but Luther Vandross.

  10. "… and to all a good jihad!"

  11. Changed his name to 50-Santa, wears a sideways baseball cap, and raps "It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Kwanzaa."

  12. Whitey can’t get stuff so good it makes reindeer fly, dig?

  13. His birth certificate says he was born in Kenya—- er, I mean Hawaii.

  14. Won’t let Mrs. Claus leave the house without her red crushed velvet burqa.

  15. His pay is 75% of what that snow-white Easter Bunny makes.

  16. Red velvet? Ermine trim? Patent leather belt and boots? Let’s face it, that’s a pimp suit.

  17. The cast of "Friends" get coal in their stockings every damn year.

  18. Ever since "Stop and Frisk" was implemented, there’s a long delay as he tries to make his way through New York City.

  19. The only thing he left under the tree last year were blocks of ice and whale blubber.
And the Number 1 Sign Santa Claus Isn’t White…

  1. Skips the cookies and milk, but cleans out the fridge of hummus and pita bread.
Selected from 92 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 1, 5, 6 (15th #1/Hat trick!)
  • Shaune R. Stark, Cedar Park, TX — 1, 17 (7th #1)
  • Jeremy Shelley, Possum Trot, KY — 2
  • Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX — 3, 15
  • David Kass, Queens, NY — 4
  • Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY — 5
  • Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA — 7
  • Mark Zinck, Grand Rapids, MI — 8, 18
  • Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA — 9, 13
  • Roy Skogstrom, Pepeekeo, HI — 10
  • Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY — 11
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 12
  • Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA — 13
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ — 14, 20
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 16, 19
  • Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA — 18
  • David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA — 18
  • Donald Junter, New Haven, CT — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — List owner/editor

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